My Last Love Letter

Dear Haide,

I knew from the start that this is happening and of course, I knew it too that we may be happily lived ever after just as the many endings of fairy tales. That was my dream. It could be funny but for real I have dreamt of you to becoming my princess in our little palace- adoring you and taking care of you like a fragile glass; giving you the happiness you deserve while we are taking care of our little princesses and princes.

Do you still remember the time when we first started talking and how we both felt about each other? I would say that that is one of the happiest memories together. I was boundlessly thinking of you even when we part ways. You covered my whole night with your face. My ears could not stop hearing your sweet voice and my arms could still feel the warmth of your hand when you thanked about making an introductory speech.

Days have passed. I kept on missing you. I wanted to see you again. We kept in touch through SMS and I could not help then myself to wait for your replies.

Then one day, we had our first dinner in a cheap and noisy restaurant. But that was never ordinary on my part. It was just like only me and you. It was never in my thoughts that it would happen.

Every day was a Hey day since then. You became my playmate. You became my best buddy. I was so deeply motivated and inspired. I studied hard to prove my worth for you for many guys I knew has also admiration to you. I just could not tell them to stop it for they are on their senior years. It made me so proud though that one of the lovely girls in the city was mine.

Your text messages became the food to my meals. Your calls became the air to my lungs. You kept me going, smiling and dreaming. You were then the best evidence that life is beautiful.

I have loved you so much. You have showed to me how important I am to your life just as how I showed your place in my heart.  

Just like the other guys out there, I became the happiest man in the world when we became in relationship. Though I could not tell if I have courted you but of course you could not tell if you have said yes. I could not even tell when we were in a relationship already. It was just so mutual that our hearts have understood each other and no words have to be spoken out.

I kept on re-reading all our conversations saved on my hard disk and I could not help myself smiling like it is the first time reading them. Those were well kept and at least now you know that I have once treasured them much.

I do not regret every moment we had together even up to the silliest and up to the most stupid things we have done before. But then, I became weak at some point. I became afraid so much that I wanted to go away. This broke my heart. I did pierce my heart by my own decision to hide away from you. I wanted to say sorry. I wanted to talk to you and let you hear my heart deeply sorrowed of being coward.

We haven't spoken in a while and I'm trying to be okay with that. This could be my last letter for you though it would be the first one. It has been a month since the last time we met and yet the pain is still here in my heart. All of my visions turned into smaller pieces that I could hardly think of how I would put them back together. The wind has blown them away and the pieces were wet by the rain. All were gone and me standing alone now here at the corner.

I admit I really miss how things used to be. But I can also admit, that I've accepted the fact that things have changed. And I can also admit that there is still pain I made it by myself.

I do not know yet how to start again. Living without you could be the hardest part for now. I think I need enough courage to face what lies ahead on the road. I think it would take much time to heal the wound that my own hands did and it keeps on giving me pain during the night, of much tears on my pillows and sad faces during the day.

I know that you love me. I could feel that even now that you are gone. But I'll still be there for you when you need me.

I wish I could re-live that one time where everything was perfect between us. I don't need a perfect relationship though, I just need someone who won't give up on me and I thought that was you.

Still waiting but maybe moving on soon,

Phil

.….written during a month of missing you, since the last time we had a talk……

…….and now I am so happy that we are friends again…….

The Flowing Leaves Over the River

The flowing leaves over the river

Reminds me of us meeting together

When a block of rocks joined us in the corner

Along the clear and blue rushing water

Then comes another leaf heading to our rock

Had shared much laughter, much merry acts

Had shared on wonders we don’t know before

Had shared on thoughts we were keeping so long

At this ridge I started to wonder

How this Great River has collected us together

To become friends maybe forever

Forever even when the leaves start to scatter

A chapter of stories had happened at this point

At this point of rocks where memories have grown

Memories that everyone will own

Engraved on those rocks, locked at this joint

Then came the tide that floats us apart

The river carries you so far away to see

Along with other leaves, our friends and peers

Who've taken special chambers in our hearts

When you have to go, my heart would cry

But the river will keep my tears away

That somehow you will then look back

If you feel something brackish along way

Now, I am hoping that someday

Again you would settle on a rock that joins the leaves

So that our paths would meet again

And bring back the memories of fun and crazy things

The Flowing Leaves Over the River

Friday, October 05, 2012

12:56 PM

For the Mean Time

I may not be with you on your last days

I hope you could still hear the sadness of my heart

And the tears that overflows from the deepness of my eyes' vessels.

It is really so hard but I know I must then accept.

For it may not be today or not so later, we will soon embracing each other again,

In the eternity and in the unfathomable of forevermore!

And if there could be really a heaven

And a hell where everyone fears to go;

And if souls really exist in all the corpus of the earth,

And you could no longer wait me

in your gate of your final destination,

Just put your hands on your heart

my dear for I am there.

For  without conditions at least we have loved each other,

And the heaven is the home of love, goodness and righteousness.

              May you rest in peace, my dearest grandmothers,

              You have thought me to become strong and always ready to love.

              Go together now in love and in peace

              Your wisdom will be my halo to light in the midst of my darkest days,

                    hoping that this would help me meet you again.

For the Mean Time

Thursday, October 18, 2012

8:29 AM

 

Uncompromising Complication

Nothing is so easy for an uncompromised complication

Everything will be hard for an unopened and stubborn motion:

When the road could be have been straight

Yet they have built it curving to death.

When the front door is supposed to be opened

Yet you have to get inside using the back door.

When songs are supposed to be just an expression

Yet all the notes should get along

Lest you might turn listening to it alone.

Uncompromising Complication

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

3:44 PM

Unthinking Whisper

If only my earlobes could block the sensor of my ears

Like flipping the passages of those unthinking whispers:

Obnoxiously purports to irritate- an intention or without

It is the most annoying tongue

All mankind could understand without a doubt

And though it could be the most quiet around

It is also the most ostentatious of all the vulgar sound.

Unthinking Whisper

Monday, November 19, 2012

9:07 AM

Reverse Counting

There are lots of colorful memories here. The top of them are the moments of laughter from his collection of riddles and funny stories.  And that at the end of each jokes and stories comes his pieces of advice. Then a short silence would come after as I try to absorb his words of wisdom.

He had never shown any weakness to me just as we could still manage to come here even in his old age. I could no longer remember how many stories we had but for sure the plants and animals that once lived around are the primary witnesses.

Sitting on this rock while watching the birds on the skyline heading to the trees on our side while waiting for the sun to sink behind the ranges of mountain are one of the most favorites during summer. Then the bright green fields start to run darker and darker as the sky is turning into a vast orange canvass. It is beautiful.

I could not help to turn around and around and around and shout loudly at the end when we would reach this place. I bend my neck to listen to the immediate reply of the mountains. Then I would laugh and so the mountains would laugh too in return. The place is really so stunning. It is our heaven here on earth.

 One time I asked him, 'Where would that big bright ball go?'  I did not wait for his reply so I answered my question so gullible. "It is like hiding himself at the back of the mountains...or maybe he is just going home and his house is over there...but he comes out at that place...I said again while pointing my finger at the ocean. He just smiled. Then I asked him again, 'if that is a big ball of fire, how come that it does not damp off from the water? He comes out from there. I think the ocean has lots of water to put his fire off.' He was supposed to speak a word but I went to him and cuddled to his arms like I so missed him so much.

Summer is the best time to come here. At least I do it with him. He would patiently accompany me. He is the best buddy I have ever met and staying here for a night once every summer makes me feel closer to him.

The crickets starts to make sounds and the birds living on the trees at our side are starting to sing. The wind starts to blow cold as the darkness starts to consume the land. Then the stars start to twinkle like dancing lights hanging on the outside walls of every house in the village during Christmas.

I closed my eyes. And everything came back rushing within my soul. I can’t help but to remember him. It has been a year now since he left us. This is now the start to count years of being away from him as he has been done with his reverse counting.

"I might only live for the next three to five years. Or at least from now, I may start to count down from five." he said while trying to raise his right hand. I could not speak any word at all. Sitting beside him and seeing his hand curved with many years of labor stopped my senses. And when he started to shed a tear from his sad eyes, I felt nothing but his deep breathe.

I gave him a hug. There I felt his body in the weakest. Then he said, "You need to be brave. This will not just be for you to face this coming years that I will be with you. But for other people who will for sure lean on your shoulders when I am gone."

Reverse counting. We usually do it to trigger the excitement. We count down the days for the Christmas celebration to come. We countdown for the new year to come with all the fancy foods and fireworks display. We launch a rocket to the sky within 10-second reverse counting and start to play the F1 race in 3, 2, 1.

I thought of what could have been the difference if we count our days in reverse manner. This is just like the movie In Time, where everyone is born with a designated period   to exist on earth. Though in here, we could not borrow or take others’ time to live more.

I would say that everything could be so organized. We set things in the most efficient manner and live life the most out of it. There will be no later. There will be no postponement. Everything shall come on time.

But frustrations would be a desperate avoidance or should not at least happen at all. Time could be the most precious and life could be the tightest. We would tend to value everything and at least prepare for the set day when we would lose our love ones.

And so in the end, everything comes to reality. I remember again my grandfather especially the days when we were together.

Those words were tinted in every portion of my heart. I could even hear them in my dreams and when I am alone.

Today, I have only one prayer in my hand; that his words would somehow be kept to my children and to my grandchildren, not as my words but his wisdom. That in time, when I need to reverse count, I would rest in peace and in love with his words:
 

Be patient like the stars.

They are uncomplaining to wait for the time to shine!

Be strong like the sun.

It is untiring to come back every day to share its light to the world.

Be open like the ocean.

It has wide shoulders to carry lots of things to be learned.

Be lovely like the fields.

It has the serenity to express happiness.

Be like this rock.

It endures to stay for decades to let you show the beauty of the stars, of the sun, of the ocean and of this world.

To my grandfather: I will forever listen to your words. It may not be here in our rock. At least in my heart, your wisdom will forever mark your existence especially the love and understanding you shared without conditions.

I feel you. I feel your heart. I feel you are alive as long as I am alive. I will see you again. We will reunite in the heavens where nothing fails and no reverse counting at all!

Reverse Counting

Thursday, June 20, 2013

10:27 AM